This children’s hymn gives a simple but deep insight into the role of fathers or maybe just the memories of a relationship with our fathers1. While this points to God the father, the first father that a child knows is their earthly father.
Father, we thank thee for the night and for the pleasant morning light; for rest and food and loving care, and all that makes the world so fair.
Help us to do the things we should, to be to others kind and good; in all we do, in work or play, to love thee better day by day.
After one matures, and if on a spiritual path another song has these words “lead me day by day”, “keep me safe”, “when I’m tempted to do wrong, make me steadfast”2. What does this say about the men in our lives?
I started writing this after celebrating another milestone last month, birthday and Mother’s Day. Woo Hoo! As I thought about my journey, I was thankful for my life interactions with many who have influenced my walk today.
Where does my exposure to fathers come from? My father, both maternal and paternal grandfathers, husbands, sons and grandsons, co-workers, pastors, male friends, uncles, brother and son in laws and mentees. Anyone else is probably someone I didn’t really know, but I have watched them. I have wondered about them. I have even offered a word of advice with the intent of being helpful to young fathers.
I have seen various stories the past couple of years that have featured men talking with each other about their feelings, their experiences of navigating a new normal, and just the discovery of wanting to share who they are. It was interesting and heart-warming to hear them talk about their fathers or grandfathers or other ‘brothers’ who are now fathers. Today’s deeper conversation is about “Creating Safe Places”. Hearing their responses to: “Where Do You Go?” “Who Do You Interact With?” and even the fairly new phrase/therapy “I Love you More” can make you think about the men in your life.
Churches or barber shops have historically been the safe space for black men. Today, many are opening up about how their lives have changed. Married and single fathers are navigating through various head spaces. Black men living in a non-black world has been exposed during Black Lives Matter. Has the role of fatherhood changed? You might say “no”, initially. In fact, I heard a “brother” say “routine fundamentals may even be considered boring for most, such as fathers loving their children as providers, educating, etc. but I realize we must be even more protective while being strong role models for our children or anyone they interact with in this role”.
Different cultures influence how both men and women grow up. When you have a conversation with someone, how often have you found out the fiber of who they are is different than your first judgement? Then there is just breaking through the acculturated facades of men. This can be both a blessing and their feelings undue pressure at times. I won’t go down this thought process. Instead, I would like to share some answers to questions I asked some men about either their father or what they thought about fathers.
Amid thinking about what I would share, we have just observed two more awful gun violence mass tragedies. I could truly go off on a tangent here, but I will just simply say my heart truly feels for all the families who are now part of America’s Club of innocent people killed by guns. Back to me being led to ask a group of men to answer any question regarding “Father’s Day Reflection” of their choice. Consider some excerpts to the following questions:
Q. What I am most grateful about for learning from my father. A. The importance of hard work, prayer, and putting your family first.
Q. The most important thing(s) about fatherhood is/are:
A. “,… ensure you show respect to the mother of your children,… be
affectionate and supportive. These characteristics impact a
child’s growth, development, and self-esteem. Always strive to be a good
role model by letting them see you do the right things. Finally, allow
children to make mistakes as they are part of maturing and growing up.”
Q. What I miss the most about the absence of my father. A. “,… is some direction. I might have an easier time as a father if my father were present in my life as an example. I’ve had to learn everything I know as a parent on the fly.”
A. “One of the things I miss (most),… is the ability to reach out. As a kid-teen, my father and I often clashed and did not get along. As I grew up, we grew closer. I would call for questions about adulthood or just to chat. I miss that.”
A. This excerpt represents shared memories spanning a few decades. While the entire response won’t be shared, one may be sent down their own memory lanes thinking about their father or father figure. “Daddy would tell a story of when I was three(ish) and for some reason I was angry with him, so I raised my little fist to hit him while he was shaving. He looked down at me and said, “Have you lost your mind?” Now some people might hear that story and think that there was something dangerous in those words and… they’d be right, a little. But I hear those words and know that to him this was a funny warm story of a toddler going up against a giant. Something to lighten the heart. That was my father, sometimes a thundercloud and sometimes a sunny day. This was a man who truly loved his family, defended them, disciplined them, and apologized when he thought he should”.
“I have a photo of him from when he was stationed in Vietnam, drink in hand with the most impish grin on his face hanging out with the guys. I thought that was what Vietnam was for him just some light duty getting stuff where it needed to be. It never occurred to me that he was in danger. He was different when he got back from Vietnam; more serious, a little quicker to anger, but still clearly loved his family, even if he was a little less lighthearted. But his children were entering their teen years, except I was eight or nine, so maybe parenting was getting tougher. I just felt like he was less fun to be around.”
“Time passed and as the older kids went off into the world, I got to spend more quality time with my father,…He knew a lot about men’s fashion and told me all that I would sit still for. He liked to share information and stories with his kids but for the most part we were too impatient to sit through one of his long explanations. But he never seemed to mind. I found out he had a fun sense of humor and that he liked mine too. I learned that I was loved and respected and I miss him to this day. To paraphrase one of my favorite movies, “If he were here, I would listen now.”
One response seemed to summarize the role of fathers in general:
“A lot of words come to mind when thinking about fatherhood but for me “accountability responsibility and friendship” come to mind.
I mulled over the takeaway for me in considering the responses. Some of the men indicated having uncomfortable conversations. As an afterthought I reflected that people respond to you if you have a connection with them. Having a respectful relationship can cause others to open up and share. These questions had never been posed by me. By listening and considering the other person’s feelings, and having compassion and empathy, it did help me expand my understanding how some men think, feel or act the way they do.
I hope all who read this and think of their own questions, know we have the power to choose how we respond and that is a power that can never be taken; it can only be yielded. One may have pain that seeps out in decisions and relationships. Unresolved hurt can stir your emotions. Time really does heal many wounds with prayer and intentional purpose. Fathers were ordained by God. I am grateful for my father, my grandfathers, my husband, my son-in-law, those who responded to the survey, and many other men I could have asked. Happy Father’s Day! If yours is still living, time doesn’t get longer, it only gets shorter. Make the best of the time you have left.
1 Child’s Morning Hymn, written by Rebecca J. Weston. 2 Father, Lead Me Day by Day, written by John P. Hopps
Author’s Note: These reflections were written for posting on June 17, 2022 but due to some other events, this was posted a month later. It was an example of sometimes we don’t need to rigidly hold to what we plan. After all, everyday is Father’s Day!
#Father’s Day #Leadership #Connections #Fathers
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